Independence, or Dependence

I had an interesting talk today, with my mom. She walks up to me and hugs me, says she needed it. I ask, how do you NEED a hug. She says it helps her out on days that it feels like the world beets her up.
Then we start talking about school. I tell her i have a group stuff tomorrow in trig. She says shes glad i understand it because there is no way she could help me how to do it. My response is "That's why i understand it, I dont want to have to rely on anyone for something that is on me." Almost like she was waiting for me to say it, she asks, "So what do you do on those days that the world just beats u up?"
"I keep going."
"All by yourself? Who do you turn to?"
"All by myself."
And i walk away.
My answer wasen't 100% true. When i have something happen, i tell a few people, like Trinh. Because i love Trinh and shes not afraid to tell me when im being an idiot. But even though ive spent many hours venting to trinh, and i appreciate her alot, but shes not the one to settle me down. I am.
But im not the one that can make every problem go away. I wish it was that easy. Theres always that someone there to leave a question un answered. And i hate it when i have to sit there wondering, questioning, what it is that is going to happen next. When i have no control over whats going to happen to ME next. And i just realized that i put myself in these situations.
So i thought i was Independent. And in many ways i am. But im more dependent than i realized.

Im dependent on the IDEA of her. Its just an idea but what a wonderful idea it is. The idea that you dont have to be alone forever. The idea that truly makes me smile throughout the day. A feeling ive felt, but only for short spands of time. A feeling i want to feel for the rest of my life.