omg

im not sure whats happening right now. but im assuming. and i dont like what im assuming.. tonight could be a dangerous one.

Sense I been gone.

Maaaan its been dumb ass long sense i posted on here...hmm lets see whats changed sense the last time i was on...
Ummm Old romances have died, new one starting, least my side..she said unsure on hers. Too be completely honest im waiting for her to just shut me down again ahaha. Just the way things seem to work out. But oh well, keep my hopes grounded and we'll see where everything ends up at. Getting shut down isen't so much fun though, so lets hope i don't ahaha. =)
Umm i wrote some poems. Only 2 so far, just started last week. One for Marie, and one about Mr. V. ahahaha. http://snicholl.blogspot.com/ if you care to read any of them. ill try to write another one soon, but i only wanna write them about things that matter to me. Mr. V one was just cuz im bored. The one for Marie was the first real poem, with thought and emotion in it. so let me know how u like it.
Umm I got alot closer with old friends, and don't really talk to the people i use to kick it with no more. Always happens during baseball season but its whateva. I like the group now. Very chill. And im not the only one that can drive!! ahaha. Oh! and Don, Albert, Patrick and myself learned that Kier can not hold his alcohol...THAT MAN IS HILARIOUS DRUNK!. . . we're gonna get to see him Prom night gone too ahahaha. Pa-Pa-Party!!
Let's see what else... im starring in a movie in film class. so far its a disaster. we had a fake gun as a prop and dumb ass people walking bye thought it was real so they called security and shit..soo i almost got in alotta trouble. I gotta go buy the smoke machine later for that class...Ya know i use to love film. and i still have an interest in it, but, i cant stand the ignorance in that class... If ignorance is bliss then that class is blissful. Thats about it really.. cant wait for summer vacation. and prom night. im not goin but like i said...PARTY!! hahaha

"Player"

You know i hate being called a "Player" i got called one tonight. By someone who couldnt even tell you my eye color. what kind of car i drive. or probably my last name if it wasent in my display name on myspace lol.
Just the fact that she called me it tells me that whatever im doing or however im acting isent acceptable, by my standards. I guess ive realized it. I mean anyone who knows me from school knows im always flirting with someone. Always with someone, always talking to someone, hugging someone. Guess ive earned that title.
BUT IM REALLY NOT!! i dont mean for people to get emotions envolve, i shouldnt be so stupid to say it would never happen. now people i think of as friends, and not even close friends are gettin feelings and it could get awkward.
I need to stop, tho. Thanks marie for callin me out hahaha. but gohd i always flirt..
this is gonna be hard XD

Valentines + Edit

I didnt expect it. I didnt even mean for it to happen. Im glad it did tho. So much stress has been released and it feels alot better now. Man my living room has alot of memories, as does the car, the playground by wills house, the hills the marina has one or two. Never really thought about the memories before last night. We thought of alot more then i realized happened.
I couldnt whipe the smile off my face last night. It was stappled, super glued, welded, taped and stitched to my face. Wasent going to come off. I wish all my nights could be like that. Was good to see her smile too after reading the thing i wrote for her. Thought i was going to get a totally different reaction.
Guess these next few weeks will determine if ima smile like that more often. Hope so. Almost doubt it will happen. But doesn't mean i cant try to make them happen.
Well this will probably confuse everybody that reads it. Sorry. =)
Goin to my Lou's birthday dinner, see ya

Edit: Ya know when i wrote this, i didnt feel right. I think the dependent side of me wrote the orginal version to this one. I read it over, its stupid, i almost want to delete it. I don't feel what i said above, not now, or then. I really can't tell you why i said those words. Maybe its really time to call it quits, becuase the logical side of my brain is saying 'If not then, why now, what have you done so much different'. Well lets just hope i dont run away JUST before things get good like i useually do. But ya, maybe its time to move on. Like i said in "Find Me" i didnt know how much longer i could really stick around. Well i think i just found out.

I Shall be A O.K.!

I just read my last couple posts, and remembered the one i deleted. I feel pretty dumb for putting all my shit out here on the internet for anyone who wants to see. That never ends out good, but i belive its the only way to get something good. How can u progress without letting someone know whats going on in your head. They cant exactly read it, not perfectly anyway.

Last couple posts were kinda emotional. Idk if i should be apoligizing for it, i just feel stupid typing something when im not at my best. Its all good, no matter what happens i shall be A O.K.!

Valentines Day is comming up, should be..fun to say the least. Im doing a segment 4 Rebel Vision about it. I gotta finish filming tomorrow, talk about crunch time. I need maybe 3 hours to finish filming i got 1:15... Lets see how fast we can do this huh?

Yap well ima eat, then go watch Jerrid Cuningham, (sorry for horrible spelling on his name) and the San Leandro Pirates slaughter us in BasketBall, but its alright. You get use to these things after 3 years of being at SLz haha GO REBELS!!!

Find Me

So its late, and im not going to write this poetic or nice or anything like that. Just raw. Its late, im tired. Im listening to "You Found Me" by The Fray. And i always listen to music to express myself.
If you haven't listened to the song ill explain it as biefly as i can. A Man looses the love of his life. Doesnt hear from her or anything like that. So he kills himself. Jumps off a building. Then the love of his life comes back to him, just a little too late. Thats what the song means to me. Or atleast my understanding of the lyrics.
Like i said, listen to music i express myself. My situation is similar in a way. No im not suicidal and dont think for a minute i am or ever will be. I love life and every day activities and im too happy with my life to end it any time soon.
The way my situation is similar is ive been dragging myself threw a "Situation" with a girl i really care about. Even threw all the turmoil, she makes me enjoy my time more then any other person or thing. She might have an idea she does this for me, but idk if she really does. Might think im just some guy that is trying to play her or for any other unjust cause. But thats not the case. This situation has put me threw alot more then anyone knows, and this is the first time im really letting it out. Im still in this situation because i see the potential in it, what COULD happen and how things COULD be.
But what it is right now, i dont know if it can go on much longer. In the song the man kills himself. In my life, its putting me at witts end. Ive never been there. I always find ways to end things before i get there. Anyway. Well see if i ever find the edge and step over it.
Im worried that if i cant hold on longer, i loose the chance. I don't wanna be like the man in song, i dont want to say "Where were you? You found me, just a little too Late" i want to say "You found me, just in time."
So here are the options as i see em, Wait, no promises things will get better, End things now, and move on. Hard question for the moment. Maybe the choice isent mine, maybe its being made for me. Im not positive what i need to do or what i should do. What i will do is Keep going, i always have, always will, and find a way to cope, always have, always will.
Im going to bed now.
Good Night

Independence, or Dependence

I had an interesting talk today, with my mom. She walks up to me and hugs me, says she needed it. I ask, how do you NEED a hug. She says it helps her out on days that it feels like the world beets her up.
Then we start talking about school. I tell her i have a group stuff tomorrow in trig. She says shes glad i understand it because there is no way she could help me how to do it. My response is "That's why i understand it, I dont want to have to rely on anyone for something that is on me." Almost like she was waiting for me to say it, she asks, "So what do you do on those days that the world just beats u up?"
"I keep going."
"All by yourself? Who do you turn to?"
"All by myself."
And i walk away.
My answer wasen't 100% true. When i have something happen, i tell a few people, like Trinh. Because i love Trinh and shes not afraid to tell me when im being an idiot. But even though ive spent many hours venting to trinh, and i appreciate her alot, but shes not the one to settle me down. I am.
But im not the one that can make every problem go away. I wish it was that easy. Theres always that someone there to leave a question un answered. And i hate it when i have to sit there wondering, questioning, what it is that is going to happen next. When i have no control over whats going to happen to ME next. And i just realized that i put myself in these situations.
So i thought i was Independent. And in many ways i am. But im more dependent than i realized.

Im dependent on the IDEA of her. Its just an idea but what a wonderful idea it is. The idea that you dont have to be alone forever. The idea that truly makes me smile throughout the day. A feeling ive felt, but only for short spands of time. A feeling i want to feel for the rest of my life.